CaNcEr SuCkS!

Well, I decided since I was feeling better to write another post. Recently, I had throat surgery to remove the tumor, which I am happy to say is gone! But I ended up having two surgeries because the graph that the doctor took from my thigh didn't take, so the second surgery he took a graph from my arm. Thank goodness that one took. But because I was in bed for two weeks, it was so hard to walk. I lost a lot of weight and strength. Which that's real bad if your about to have another chemo treatment. I also got my trachea out, which was kinda scary. The feeling of not being able to breath is awful. But when they took it out and closed the hole, I could finally breath out of my nose and mouth. Which was a great feeling.
The surgery caused me to have to relearn how to swallow. Which was weird because naturally you are born with knowing how to swallow. How could you forget? My speech therapist told me that it will be easier to swallow when the swelling in my neck to go down. Which could take awhile.
When we finally got back home I got to rest for several days then we headed back to Dallas for yet another chemo. Chemo was fine. I went and did my chemo and then trucked home to Amarillo. Now when you do chemo the following week you get neutropenic, and that's when your immune system is like zero. So that next week we went to see my pediatrician here and she decided that I should be taken to the hospital for a blood transfusion. I went to the hospital and that's when we noticed that the incision on my neck was infected. My pediatrician decided that we should go to Dallas Childrens hospital to get better care. So that night we were careflighted to Dallas in a little jet. It turned out that the incision got infected. It is serious for cancer patients to get infections because of our weak immune systems. The infection cause the incision on my neck to completely open up. The last chemo wasn't a good idea.
I stayed at the hospital for weeks before I could return home again. Since then I have been fighting constant nausea that has gradually gotten better. The bad thing is that I can't finish my last two chemo's untill my neck heals somewhat. Today was supposed to be my last chemo. I could of been done.
I'm sad that I am missing out on everything. I miss being with my friends. It's like chemo ruined my life, put strains on my relationships, and took away my love for music. I've forgotten what it's like to live. So I just pray that we have no more complications, and everything will turn out okay. I've still got some fighting to do but I'm almost done. God works in mysterious ways!


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How Great Is Our God!

It has been forever since I have updated or told anyone what's been going on. I had to go to Dallas for five weeks of radiation. Radiation was the most awful experience anyone could go through. I had to lay on a long hard table, and they put a tight mask on my face. This huge machine circles around me and shoots radiation beems into my neck. Thats not too bad, but the side effects are not fun. I got a sunburn on my neck, and sores. I got mucasitis too, and its bad. It makes it hard to eat and drink. It also messes with my taste buds. I want to eat SO bad. Chemo is the same, sucky but not near as bad as radiation. I had to start taking T.P.N and Lipids, which is a bag of nutrients and a bag of fat, and after surgery on Monday I will get a stomach tube. I'm a little nervous about surgery. It's a long surgery, and I'll be kept in a drug induced coma to allow it to heal a little bit. The tumor will be removed, and I will have a throat dissection. They are going to take skin and a vein from my leg to put on my throat. I'll stay in Dallas, at Zale Lipshy to recover, and hopefully a couple of weeks after surgery I will get my trach out. I haven't felt good in several months, I just have started feeling normal. Which sucks because I can't do anything. Sometimes I feel like this just takes over my life. But then i think, how great my life will be when all this is over and behind me. And how everything will go back to how it was before. Sometimes I just catch myself thinking about how it used to be, when I could do anything or eat anything. Just have a normal life. It is still a shock that this happened to me, which proves it can happen to anyone.
I have been kinda depressed lately. I'm tired of feeling bad all the time, never feeling normal. Not being able to taste anything. It sucks, but I know not to feel sorry for myself. Stay positive. Because I have so much to live for. I have my whole life in front of me. It will get better, and I am so excited to be healthy again. I am so blessed, with great friends and family, and an awesome God. This will pass, and it has already gotten better. GOD IS GOOD!

Waiting For The Storm To Pass

I know I haven't posted a new post in a while. Sorry! My life has been crazy, and I have been super busy! Well one things for sure, chemo SUCKS! I hate it. I hate being sick, and tired. It's like my brain is telling me to go go go, and my body is refusing any physical movement. I started chemo last week, and it surprised me. The chemo I get is bright red, and when they gave it to me and hooked it up to my port, they told me that it was poisonous. I was like, umm excuse me? Pretty scary stuff. I get really nauseous and I through up a lot. Chemo made me lose 8 pounds, which actually is a lot of weight to lose.
I had to leave for Dallas on Monday and I had chemo Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday. I had to stay until Friday in Dallas Children's Hospital, then that afternoon I got to leave. the next day was pretty scary. I got so dehydrated, that i passed out in the bathroom. We had to call an ambulance, and they had to check me. I really had no idea what was happening. At that point i hadn't eaten in a week, I was so skinny. I hated having to go back to the hospital to get a shot, to double my white blood cells. To put it in they stick it in my stomach and it is really thick. It burns so bad when they put it in. I think the only good thing about that particular visit was that they gave me a port. I has surgery Tuesday morning for it, and it is so helpful. They don't have to poke me, or prick me. No more bruises, which is good. It is just this hard, heart shaped thing that they put under my skin. It has three holes in it, and they just stick a needle. in one of the holes to access it. Pretty easy, and it doesn't hurt much.
So I came home, and everything was fine. I started to eat, and go outside. Then Wednesday morning I woke up with a headache, and a really sore throat. I could barely swallow. It turned out I started running a high fever. 100.5. So that meant I had to come back to the hospital. Yuck! Fun way to spend your summer, right? And I can't have any visitors, because they told me I have an infection, and I have ulcers in the back of my throat. That makes it impossible to swallow. It hurts really bad.
This whole situation is just painful, mentally and physically. It so easy to be put down, and when I came back, I was so mad. I wish I could have a good summer, like everyone else. And I am so jealous that everyone has a life except for me. I still pray, for remission, and strength. Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain. I guess I need to learn how to dance in the rain.


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And It Begins!

We recently got home from Dallas yesterday. My mom and I flew to Dallas to get what we thought was a fine needle biopsy, but we ended up getting just a sonogram. The day was okay really, hot of course, but it was fine. We went to see our doctor there, and we made arrangements to take out my pick line, and put in a port, to start chemo on Monday. I have to also have the spots on my lungs removed. I will probably end up being in Dallas for the week, which is going to be awful. Fun way to start your summer, right? The only thing I am happy about is that we are starting now, so I can just get it over with. Everyone is already talking about all the fun stuff they will get to do this summer, and all I get to do is chemo and radiation. I am so jealous of everyone who doesn't have to do this. And I get mad while everyone complains how bad their life's are, when there are tons of people whose life's are just worse. I try to remember that their will always be someone who has it worse than you do.
I try to think of how blessed I am, and all the blessings God has blessed me with. Amazing friends, and family. God has recently given me a blessing, and I feel like I can talk to her about anything. I feel like no one understands what I am going through, and they will never understand, until they get diagnosed with an illness like mine. They aren't feeling what I feel, and they have no idea. It's hard to comprehend, because Cancer is such a big deal. The word itself is scary. Who would of guessed this would happen to me? It can happen to anyone. I was healthy, I ate right, and I made good choices, but it still happened. The hardest part of this whole thing for me is that I can't run, or play basketball. I can't be active. I'm not me anymore. Sometimes I feel like the tumor has taken everything from me, and has left me nothing. It's hard to act strong, and be strong for everyone. But really I strife to be stong for me, to help me keep going. I can't give up hope, and I feel like God will make the best out of this situation. Sure I will have 1 really awful summer, but think of all the amazing summers i will have when I beat this. WHen I am healthy again, and when the cancer is finally gone. It's hard to imagine it could get better, and sometimes I feel broken, and I want to fall apart, But I have to do this for me, to prove to myself I can do whatever I set my mind to. God is giving me strength, and I can do anything with him by my side. There is one bible verse that really helps me alot, Phillipians 4:13. I like to read it, and it is so true. You can do anything with God, and I am living proof.

Scared

I finally got to go to school today! I was so happy to see my friends, and even my teachers! It did feel weird walking down the halls again. I haven't done that in what seems like a LIFETIME! Everyone was so nice and friendly. Kids I didn't even know at school came up to me and asked how I was. To tell you the truth I felt like a celebrity! And it made me happy to see that teachers put up my blog address in there rooms.
I think the fear has kinda set in. I am a little scared. I knew that I would probably have to do chemo, and radiation but it is so real now. Everything has happened so fast, but I still have hopes that God could just take it away. The other night, I remember just laying in bed, and begging God to take it away. I always just wonder sometimes, even though this happened for a reason, why it still happened to me. I know God never gives you a situation you can't handle, but why me. Sometimes I feel like I can't handle this, and the hard part hasn't even started, and I want to give up. But then I think to myself I'm strong and God knows that. I have started thinking of ways to make the best out of this. How I could inspire so many children to not give up. Like when I went to the cancer center in Dallas, I teared up at all the little kids, and even babies, sitting there with their parents with no idea why they had to be pricked and poked. And then you start to think, they have it so much worse. They don't deserve it, what did they do wrong? What did I do wrong? The doctors told me it wasn't my fault, and I know that, but sometimes I just wonder. It is so easy to put yourself down in these hard times. But this will pass, it is just another bump in the road. It's going to be tough, but I'll be okay.
So next Wednesday, we are going back to Dallas. I am not excited. But the good thing is mom and I are flying and we will be back the same day!! They have to do another biopsy on my lymph nodes to see if the cancer has spread to it. Fun right? I just want it all to be gone. The cancer and everything. I want to be healthy again. It is weird to go from healthy to sick. Really sick. And yes it's scary, but God has big plans for me, and that makes me feel a lot better.

I Wanna Go Home

Today for me was a pretty depressive day. Depressive and uneventful. We left for Dallas on Tuesday, hoping we would only be here a couple of days, and come home to start chemo on Friday. But God had different plans for us, and we are supposed to stay here in Dallas till Wednesday. I think that was the depressive news for me, because I am really homesick. I want to go home, go to school, and sleep in my own bed. But they are going to give me really good care here. We went to UT Southwestern Children's Hospital today, and saw the E.N.T Oncologist, Dr. Sumer. I automatically like him, he was very optimistic. He told us he believed he can remove the tumor. And that it was way to early to be starting chemo, especially when we don't even have the final pathology to what kind of tumor it is, and if it really is cancer. He said that he didn't want to put me through that if there was an easier and more helpful way to handle it. Now I do have two spots on my my lungs, but I don't know the details about those. He stuck a light down my nose, and we watched on the screen, as he looked at my throat. We saw the tumor. Its pretty big, and it still blocks some of my airway. We all agreed that he should have a more thorough exam, and put me to sleep. So tomorrow morning at 7:00 a.m I will be put to sleep, and the doctor will take a better look at the tumor. He will all so do a biopsy. Other than being sad about having to stay, I am happy that we came here. I haven't heard this good of news in a long time. I know for sure God brought us here for a reason. I feel like he finally is answering all of our prayers. I still believe that this was supposed to happen. That this happened to me, to tell my story to others and inspire them to follow Christ. And to show people how God can work miracles in everyone. I can't tell right now, but I have an idea. I can't wait to get back home though, and get back to my life. To have a life. I need my friends right now, to make me laugh, and to make me happy. But right now this is where I need to be, and God sent us here for me to be blessed by these doctors. I have to admit though I sure do miss Amarillo!

Busy, busy, busy!

Today I have been very busy. I got no sleep last night. My nurse woke me up 3 times during the night to do breathing treatments, and evaluations. So I have probably been up since 5:00 this morning. I couldn't fall back asleep, so i gave up, and thats when we had to travel to The Harrington Center. We had to do a prelimary visit, and they fitted me for a mold, so if I have to do radiation I would be ready. I had another cat scan, and they gave me 3 tatoo's so they could lay me straight and the radiation would actually work. It hurt really bad, and I cried. It felt like a prick in my side. And if I do radiation I can't swim this summer. Which ruins everything. They all so said I may have to do kemotherapy. So they can shrink the tumor and have another surgery and take it out. They said they can't take it out now because it is big, and it would leave a open wound that would be hard to heal. I'm not scared really, the only problem I have is losing my hair. But oh well, I just need to get better, and get rid of the tumor. I will probably later in the future get a port. So they can stop poking me with needles and digging around. They tried to give me another iv and dug around. So a port would be okay. I get tired of them touching me all the time. It sucks. The whole situation just sucks. And tomorrow I have to do a pet scan, so all day today I am on a special diet. I have to be hooked up to a iv, too. So I am hydrated. And no Dallas right now, we really have no idea when we are going down there, they might even send me to another hospital. They change the plan every minute, it seems like. It is very frustrating. My doctors are suggesting hospitals, for me to get the best care. At least they are thinking of my best interest. The doctors told me that my tumor is rare, and they only have a couple of cases of this particular situation. I am still not afraid. I guess it could be way worse. Sometimes I feel like my life is ruined, and the tumor is taking over. But I have been praying that the tumor is dead and I won't have to do kemo, or radiation. Praying really really hard. But I am prepared to do treatment, It's gonna be hard though. And I know the side effects. But I am so ready for this to be over, and I want to be healthy again. I want to hangout with my friends alot on weekends, and swim in the summer. Go to parties, I want to have a life again. The tumor took that away from me, but don't worry. I will not let it beat me, I'll defeat the enemy(:

Bump in the Road

It's another one of those days. Long and uneventful. Although visitors do make me feel a lot better. When your stuck in the hospital all day, it's easy to be put down, and be sad. It feels so good to laugh! My friends make me so happy! They make it a lot harder to be angry for what has happened to me. One of the doctors explained to me the emotions I could be feeling and how these feelings are natural. I haven't felt any of these yet, but you never know. I'm not sad, or mad. I have pretty much excepted the fact that something is wrong with me. I have to leave next week to go to Dallas. To attend The Cooks Children Hospital in Dallas Fort Worth. Fun.. huh? I know they will take excellent care of me there, and hopefully they can determine what's going on. It's hard and stressful to not have any idea what is going on inside. I also might have another surgery to remove the rest of the tumor. But I am trying to make good out of the bad. I am used to being poked and prodded, so this trip is nothing compared to what I have already gone through recently. And I can proudly say I can finally feel God's presence. I know I can do ALL things through God who STRENGTHENS me. I am so excited to know that there are SO many people praying for me. All the support is so uplifting and I love having people there for me. Everyones prayers are working! I can handle this. It's a major bump in the road but things like this can happen to everyone. And this time it happened to me. I realize that this happened for a reason, God knows what's in store for me, and my life. He has big plans for my future. I am excited to see what happens next, but whatever happens, It will be okay. Anythings possible with God, right?

My enemy

The days recently have blurred together. The past week has been an emotional roller coaster. I still remember the surgery. I felt like they took all my air away, and I was going to die. I also remember crying, and how they had to tie me down. When I lost air, I thought there was no hope. I survived. The doctors told me I was a miracle, and I know that I couldn't done it without God. But I can't help but wonder, where is God? And why did this happen to me? What did I do to deserve this? I wish someone could answer my questions, but these questions are unquestionable. So now I'm sticking to staying positive, and strong. I know what could happen, but I'm not afraid. I have already made it this far. I feel like I can do anything , and accomplish everything.

It started 3 weeks ago. A little sore throat, but that was all. But it only got worse. Little did I know that a tumor was growing rapidly in my throat, and slowly blocking my airway. Scary, huh? I was taken to several doctors, but they all said it was a virus. No one had any idea that I was losing my airway. It was only getting worse. My first track meet was hard to run. My 2nd meet got only harder. I also played weekend basketball tournaments. I started to feel like I couldn't breath. It got bad enough to where I couldn't sleep, or eat. In two weeks I had already lost 11 pounds. I went to see more doctors and my pediatrician ordered a cat scan. Something was wrong.

Thats when they discovered "it". The tumor. My personal enemy. Thats what I'm fighting. On Monday night, I could barely breath, I had to do an emergency surgery. I was scared before surgery, but I didn't think it would be as bad as it was. But as I lay on the examination table, and my throat collapsed I realized how bad the situation was. I was awake as they cut my throat, and I cried, praying the pain would go away. And I could be healthy again. I know that my doctors would never want to hurt me in any way, they saved my life. I'm thankful, I have alot to be thankful for. I'm blessed to be here today.

It's going to be difficult, and hard. We are taking this day to day. Its a crazy thing to go through, but I can overcome this. I will overcome this. I am strong, and I am getting stronger everyday. I know God is with me, holding my hand along the way. It's going to be a long journey, but I can make it. I'm pretty much fearless.